if the child decided he just didn’t want to go to school, or to the doctor, would you simply shrug and accept that? While it’s true that you should encourage visitation when your child doesn’t want to see their other parent, it’s important to handle the conversation respectfully. Any adult who violates court orders can and should expect to get hauled back into court to account for their violations. What I got from it is that she was explaining to her ex how the child feels. Whether or not you believe that the reason(s) your child does not want to see you is due to the other parent, forcing the child to leave their security for an overnight visit especially will only make the child not only resent you, but the other parent as well which makes for an unhappy child. No evidence, really. You suggesting otherwise, is an expression of shitty parenting. Not an issue. I have been separated from her father for ... Read more on Netmums You might be shocked to learn that the courts do not agree with you; they expect their orders will be followed as written, and they will NOT be kindly disposed towards whichever party has decided not to comply with their orders. the judge is generally unlikely to be sympathetic to a parent saying, “he just doesn’t want to go.” the parent is the one responsible to see the order is followed. Michael and Jennifer have been amicably divorced for six years. Craig turned 14 and became less and less interested in spending Friday through Sunday night with his father. We still spent time together and have a wonderful relationship today. Is there anyone who has successfully approached the court at 13 and feel that they received a fair audience? If there is a long history of amicability with the ex, it only makes sense to do whatever needs to be done to allow that to continue. Sue Johnson said: “To be human is to need others, and this is no flaw or weakness.” Taking the first step toward healing can be hard, and my desire is to provide safety and acceptance in that vulnerability, walking alongside clients on their journey. the parents are legally responsible for following the custody order (if one is in place). However, once again, since the child is under the jurisdiction of the court, the judge may listen but it may or may not change anything. what a child wants (a teen is still a child), and what is best for them in the long term, are not always the same thing. The non-custodial parent may feel betrayed and hurt. Ok,I'm the one who suggested you to try to be "mute" (if you can),and see if evenually things ease up. There was a time when my daughter was very angry with her mom and refused to visit her, despite my insistence. In my opinion, FCCDAD is just naive. What is the name of your state? At 13, you may want to see if a judge will listen to the child, and see if it will hold any weight. However, the location of the father's residence is not an issue. The onus is on the non-custodial parent to be more understanding of how the child feels. You actually already gave your answer since you said you have unsucsessfully tried to limit visitation in court. Out of fear of hurting his father’s feelings, Craig didn’t want to discuss the situation with his father. Custody is infinitely reviewable. Custody cases never end so long as there is a child for the court to hold authority over. I can’t imagine a judge forcing a teenager to maintain weekend visits when the teenager is no longer interested. These type of problems are way more complicated, from an emotional point of view… than just going to court. He has no emotional disorder, he's pretty healthy, and only is in distress when he faces extended visits (more than a day) with his dad. Books, games, toys or their ipad may stay at home, and now all they have to do is hang out with mom or dad (which can be boring for a kid! My passions include helping couples who feel disconnected or distressed learn to reconnect emotionally and communicate more effectively as well as helping individuals explore and work through difficult life transitions and personal struggles... Read More. A person with NPD (narc. You are unable to see your own bias, so I’ll offer a counterexample to illustrate it. If they cannot all agree on what is reasonable, then I guarantee it will go to court. I had this wording put into our divorce decree because I knew that his father would not visit him as much as the standard possession order called for and I didn’t want him to have any reason to say that I wasn’t holding up my end of co-parenting. Therefore, the visitation election of the child had been subject to judicial review. Parents who are reasonable know how to parent without getting a family court judge or mediator involved. personality disorder) makes an awful parent. To JETX - Not wrong, just ignorant, but I'm sure that that is not your fault. What would they do? To Momma Tiger, yes, this diagnosis was made by a court-appointed psychologist after significant evaluation, and was also noted by another psychologist that met with the father only once bfore that. Thanks to anyone who can truly relate. Feeling rejected hurts at any age, but it is important for you to not only discuss with your child why they don't want to visit you but to be self-aware of how you may are acting when your child is around. no, you’d make him go. The article is ABOUT compromise. Young children in particular tend to see their parents as idols and to lose contact suddenly with one can make them feel they’ve done something wrong. second, you clearly missed my point. No, it’s only going to cause resentment. When a child is sick or otherwise unable to make a visit, the parent with present custody of the child must notify the other parent as soon as possible and work out a make-up visit. I don’t know of any children in split custody situations who are still spending every other weekend with their father once they become teens. The children benefited from the quantity and quality of time with both parents. If you do not send the child to visitation, the childs father could file contempt of court action against you. Compromise means everyone gives up some of what is less important to them to secure what is more important to them. Needless to say, Michael became upset and started demanding that Craig visit as usual. Just because his father lives in a different location and the child will have different friends...it's unavoidable until the father lives with you or on the same block. Compromise is not demanding one person give up what’s important to him, one person getting what he says he wants, and one person standing back and insisting she is not involved. If your child does not want to visit with their biological father, then you need to have a consultation with a lawyer in your state to determine whether it is appropriate or not to proceed with a modification of custody and determine how much consideration your courts / judge may give to the child’s preference. With all due respect to Jetty, he has made some statements here without knowing the facts of narcissism. Whether you are a divorced parent or not, here is the reality of raising children, the older they become, the less interested they are in spending time with you. The custodial parent’s attorney has a … To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. This article is about parents of teenagers and those parents accepting that no teen wants to be forced to spend time with either parent when they’d rather be with their friends. When your child reaches those teen years, the most you will get to do is set rules and boundaries and accept that time with you is no longer a priority for them. no, you’d make him go. There seems to be a trend with our four children. I wish Parents would allow the child to love both Parents,even though they can't stand each other. As parents, we have that advantage. Your children have a right to see both their parents too. I’ve worked in the field of divorce for 14 years. for example, the judge must consider whether and how any changes in the parenting schedule would impact michael and craig’s parent-child bond; the judge can take craig’s wishes into account, but cannot abdicate his own responsibility to ensure the child is harmed the least (and estrangement is a serious harm to the child AND to the parent). the onus is not on *Michael* to sacrifice his parenting time; instead, Michael AND Jennifer AND Craig need to sit down together and work out any adjustments that ALL of them can agree are reasonable. Michael needs to start planning his time with his children in a way that allows Craig to also have plans of his own away from time with his father.” NO! Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. I guess that there is no legal recourse to make a parent put their child first - his dad says no birthday parties, no sleepovers, no friends visit - things like that that are just not reasonable for a 13-year old that needs to have his own life. Jennifer does not get a pass in resolving this. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. The fact that your ex wants to force contact when she doesn't want it speaks volumes about the kind of man, and father, he is. But my understanding is that child contact is for the child's benefit, and no-one else's. On each occasion, the mother brought the children (aged 11 and 12) to the place of handover as stipulated in the Court Orders, but sat silently by as the children, from the backseat of her car with the window rolled down, told the father that they did not want to spend time with him. Your poor daughter sounds desperate. Jennifer worked weekends as a Registered Nurse and felt secure knowing her children were with their father and well cared for. If your son doesn't want to go then you need to respect this. the school and the doctor have no grounds or standing to sue you if he doesn’t show up when expected; the other parent does. When a child is sick or otherwise unable to make a visit, the parent with present custody of the child must notify the other parent as soon as possible and work out a make-up visit. Most custody orders don’t spell out a parent’s role in facilitating visitation other than making a child available for visits. Also, just like the child has two different set of families...the mother's side and the father's side. But that’s seems to be where your focus is. If teenagers are forced then what you end up with is an aggrieved teen and that won’t be fun for anyone, especially the teen. He has refused to have any sort of relationship with me since I ended things. Threaten to send the kid to juvie?? It isn’t about tit-for-tat and who gets to see the son more. your conclusion is extremely biased: “Michael’s scheduled parenting time will need to turn into shared parenting time with Craig’s friends and interests. The last therapist we visited concluded that the stress my son was experiencing due to his fear would probably only be worsened by forcing him to talk about it, and thought that letting "sleeping dogs lie" might be the best way for him to handle it. Judith Wallerstein and Joan Kelly found that more than 50 percent of the children who have been impacted by divorce and who are currently involved in custody battles were angry with their fathers. It's not unusual for a child to say they don't want to visit the other parent. But, you’ve missed the point of the article altogether. Michael needs to start planning his time with his children in a way that allows Craig to also have plans of his own away from time with his father. The father may have a different view of the whole affair. For example: “My child doesn’t have a very good relationship with her father, and she doesn’t want to … They are abusive. I went through this with my ex wife. The legal answer may be “yes” even though the ethical answer could be “no” in some situations. You may also want to ask for supervised visitation, but it's a crapshoot. If you find yourself in Michael’s situation my advice is to not jump to the wrong conclusion. Her mom had issues, but at that point, I was completely comfortable with our kids in her care. Other times, it’s more of a general statement. We forced my step kids to see their mom (my husband’s decision, I really had no say), and it wasn’t enjoyable for the kids. What is Jennifer going to do while they are working through the issue, sit with her arms crossed? Hi Mammyelizabath. I worked as a guardian ad litem for 5 years. Be Flexible: With a growing sense of independence, teenagers can begin to resent time-dependent visitation. You seem to be promoting a very strange idea of “reasonable”, where you reject compromise and push parents into litigation. He's a good student, and his school guidance counselor is aware of what he is going through. If one parent didn’t follow the custody order, and the other retaliated by refusing to follow the support order, the judge would not be forgiving towards either one of them. This means, you're obligated to make a child in your care available for visits with the other parent as laid out in the custody order.A parent may have a different role in making visits happen for a four-year old child versus a 14 year-old one. It's okay to have different friends as many of us do at work...co-workers...acquaintences (sp?)...friends. Guaranteed. 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